The Children Born to Virgins Study

A new study of children born to virgins says they are more likely to die young, have trouble with the law and have highly zealous and preachy personalities.

However, the study of 2,000 years of records of people of virgin parents also concluded that they tend be becomes subjects of highly successful literature, movies and musicals.

The Children Born to Virgins Study
Brian A. Arbenz (BriArbenz@gmail.com), Matthew, Mark, Luke, John contributors

Abstract

Objectives To determine whether children born to virgins experience lifelong consequences from their manner of birth.

Design Systematic thorough review of documented historical examples.

Data sources:  The Gideon Bible from the Motel 6 on U.S. Hwy 31 in Clarksville, Ind.; appropriate internet sites and citation lists.

Study selection:
 Studies showing whether children born to virgins have lengthened or shortened life expectancy, a tendency to engage in zealous public activism, higher or lower rates of arrest for alleged criminal activity, and an increased or decreased likelihood of receiving death sentences from criminal justice systems.

Results:
 We were able to identify each available documented historical example of a child born to a virgin.

Introduction

Virgins giving birth is a rare phenomenon. However, data have shown correlative, and possibly casual connections to specific outcomes, consistent over the 2,000-year-period of the study.

Definition of outcomes

The major outcomes studied were early deaths due to public executions, preceded by tendencies to challenge authorities, to persuade large populations to reject attachment to material goods and to love enemies.

Meta-analysis

Our statistical approach was to assess written accounts of the life outcomes of subjects selected from 2,000 years. Difficulties we faced were due to frequent re-writing of accounts during the 2,000 year period to conform to political, racial and gender bias of ruling elites. We selected a funnel plot to assess publication bias visually and Egger's and Begg's tests to test quantitatively. Stata software, version 7.0, was the tool for all statistical analyses.

Results

Our research strategy found that children born to virgins are consistently more likely to adopt activist mindsets, zealous advocacy of economic egalitarianism and conflict resolution via non-violence. They are also shown to be more likely to be arrested and face criminal trials and death due to capital punishment.

These subjects also consistently over 2,000 years were demonstrated to be more likely to become topics of literature, film, song and theatrical performances, and to have their names used in a profane manner. Subjects also tended to inspire pendants worn around necks and bumper stickers frequently visible in some of the largest suburban parking lots.